STRANGER'S DISEASE

things to do if you wanna look more put together when you already are a person who is very put together

say you want to push forward the boundaries. become unreachable, unbreachable. maybe that's unattainable for some but it's something I'd strive for, if it wasn't because there's so much fucking rain in this city and it kills my merits. anyway, here's a list:

write down all the birthdays of the people you care in your agenda or your calendar. if you can, have a separate gCal or iCal called "birthdays" and put them all there. don't rely on social media to let you know when their birthday is coming up.
don't be on your phone when you're on one-on-one with your closest. resist the urge, even if you get bored. getting bored around the people you love helps to forge the relationships and the patience.
on the topic of social media: choose to avoid the "close friends" or "close circles" entrapments. whatever you post should be adequate enough for all audiences. you can't rely on nobody leaking data. be careful about what you post, what you say, and about whom.
try not to speak ill of others at work. even if you want to, don't. it's very difficult, I know.
have a basic pouch with the following items at all times with you:

thread and needle
deodorant
small perfume
paracetamol
toothbrush and paste
band aids (a lot)
a mirror
a comb

to this list you can add more things depending on your weather/location (e.g., mosquito repellent, SPF, lip balm, make up, eye drops) but the basics are a requirement. you'll be surprised at how many times someone needs this, and you will be the one person to be ready. and you'll also always look and feel fresher.

breathe through your nose. avoid mouth-breathing, if that's available to you. nose-breathing makes you feel better, makes your breath nicer, and also helps you fight illnesses.
choose and keep signature jewellery.
make gifts periodically. invite your friends out for dinner, pay for your colleague's coffee, remember someone's favorite soda when you're picking up their lunch. be mindful of inviting people.
if someone is speaking and gets interrupted, make a note of what they were saying. try to politely go back to their point so they can finish it.
don't tell everyone who your crushes are. even famous people. crushes are for personal daydreaming and night-time entertainment.
brush up your spelling, grammar - read your emails before pressing send. avoid typos.
if your audio message is longer than a minute and you haven't said anything, cancel it, think about what you want to say, and then record it.
schedule less things per week.
smoke only when you are alone.
be contempt with the realistic version of what you can achieve.

coffee

I hope the morning after my death

we wake up and kiss,

you hug my hips and ask if I want some coffee,

then look out the window and see it has been raining.

In death I'd wish to see you every day:

this love, for the rest of our eternity,

is something to be enjoyed past this lifetime.

the days the balcony swayed

death is right around the corner,

a bad hip, a bad heart,

no longer trips to the supermarket

counting down the steps towards the void.

is she scared?

what does she think about dying,

about it being so obvious that you will be gone soon

what will she do?

will she get rid of her clothes,

earrings, jewelry,

will she stare out the window with more intensity?

will she notice she way her clothes smell,

enjoy ironing, turning on the fan,

will she call me and tell me it'll be alright?

will she bask in the sun,

since light rays can't hurt her any further,

does she have one last wish?

is she at peace?

family drama

family issues are so weird because i never wanted to tell my friends. i see that now that i'm older. my step brother is being incredibly aggressive towards my mom and step dad and the only one who knows is my boyfriend. in the past when i was single, no one would know. and i tend to hide it, as someone who never hides anything, i hide what my dad did to me and now what my step brothers are up to. seems like talking about family is always the wrong choice to make.

you're always a nightmare to me

I've come to realization i have written empty words!
for years on end I've only scribbled down thoughts in the hope they'd make sense,
only now that I'm older and I've been doing this for a bit
I've come to notice there's no shame in saying exactly what you mean.
so here's what I meant:

yes you broke my heart,
yes my parents didn't stop fighting in the background,
yes, again, you broke my heart and constantly pushed me over the edge,
because you knew (better than I did) that I loved you, and you wanted to see
how far I'd go, just for fun, just for the sake of fucking it up,

and it pains me, because you're probably the worst person I've met
and I loved you, for what? for absolutely nothing.

my mom had cancer and my sister died,
you insisted that I read steppenwolf.
you knew german and I wanted to learn,

you questioned me because you thought I wanted to be like you.

I was a million times more interesting than you ever will be.
I deserved to be brought flowers,
not sharing the only house towel and sleeping on the cold floor.
I made more in a month than you in a year,
we wanted to travel but you never wanted to come with me.

there was so much going on,
yet I decided to ignore it to hold your hand in a taxi cab.
there was so much I could've been,
an A+ student, a better employee, a greater daughter,
but again, my foolish little heart wasted time loving you.

I lied when I said I wouldn't write about you again.

I wanna write about you to remind my younger self of how much we wasted
and now have recovered exponentially.

now you're a character in my book,

but only the part of you that is curious, tender, a little shy,

the part of you that taught me stillness, silence,

the part of you I liked.

the one that sat on the floor and asked "would you come to see wilco with me?"

and embraced me while we listened to your records.

the childish, not afraid to be young part of you.

oh if you would've let yourself be like that for longer,

we would've been so happy, so joyful,

but I guess now that will never happen.

40 questions to ask yourself every year

from here

What did you do this year that you’d never done before? i traveled to another country for a gig.
Did you keep your new year’s resolutions? yes!
Did anyone close to you give birth? no. someone did get pregnant though
Did anyone close to you die? yes, my grandmother
What cities/states/countries did you visit? i visited 1 neighboring country and 2 provinces.
What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year? i'd like to travel abroad more.
What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why? the passing of my grandmother, for once. that conversation i had with my dad in the bar that afternoon. my boyfriend's first day at work. seeing someone very special to me once again after three years.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? going to the gym consistently.
What was your biggest failure? i still can't handle my relationship with food.
What other hardships did you face? i have a really bad itchy and flaky scalp. i am still way out of shape and my clothes still don't fit. i can't get over my fear of dying.
Did you suffer illness or injury? not really, i got a mild flu in march but that was about it.
What was the best thing you bought? i bought a new car, a new computer and a new phone. and a vintage red dark bag i absolutely adore. also a bunch of perfumes. a good year for capitalism!
Whose behavior merited celebration? strangely, i think both my parents. my mom, always, but my dad this year was great. also of course my boyfriend, he's a saint through and through.
Whose behavior made you appalled? my (still alive) grandma, at times. it's hard because she's old, but she is super mean to my mom and i absolutely despise it.
Where did most of your money go? my new car, my new computer, my new phone. also, eating out.
What did you get really, really, really excited about? modest mouse in march, you me at six in december. also interpol playing next year in june.
What song will always remind you of this year? coma by muse.
Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer? i am happier, probably a little thinner, and mostly richer.
What do you wish you’d done more of? eating fruit, to be honest. also i wish i had travelled more.
What do you wish you’d done less of? not writing whenever i wanted to write.
How are you spending the holidays? christmas with my dad and new years with my mother in law.
Did you fall in love this year? surprisingly, yes.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? not sure if hate, but there's a bunch of people i can't stand.
What was your favorite show? severance!
What was the best book you read? i didn't read much - but i'll say loosestrife by stephen dunn.
What was your greatest musical discovery of the year? probably a day to remember (lol) or my reconnection to crime in stereo.
What was your favorite film? the killer by david fincher (I didn't really watch that many movies either)
What was your favorite meal? we had tea service at the oldest five star hotel in the country. also my favorite beer place re-opened for one night and they make the most amazing cheeseburgers, so those two were also amazing.
What did you want and get? a new computer.
What did you want and not get? a second job.
What did you do on your birthday? i invited my friends over for dinner.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? losing weight.
How would you describe your personal fashion this year? honestly i mostly wore black and i can't fit in 60% of my wardrobe, so black and comfy.
What kept you sane? writing.
Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most? no one.
What political issue stirred you the most? oh, man...
Who did you miss? ah, all the people who are no longer here.
Who was the best new person you met? my new friend who lives in LA. i absolutely adore her, even if i never told her. i am a little scared of telling her.
What valuable life lesson did you learn this year? it's okay to take up space. life is endless if you don't make it all about you.
What is a quote that sums up your year? “If I could only figure out how to do all this without my body.” Alan Watts' last words before he died on this day in 1973

a stupid little thought

sometimes i feel like i would be so different if i lived in new york. maybe i'd feel lonelier, but honestly parts of my creative work would pop. it is the best city in the world after all